on internal questioning

i'm home from india!

like i mentioned before on this blogbaby i'm not very good at the play-by-play, so i won't attempt it with the words that follow. i'm more in for honest opinion and arising questions. so with that, i'm hoping to do a series of post. something from the internal self, something from the lens of my eyes, something from the creation of my hands, and something of the words that spoke most loudly. 

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somehow the people in my life seem so much more real upon this return from india. i want to tell each person how special they are to me, how they have impacted my life (tremendously or in a microscopic way). my only great trouble is that people live all over the place and i can't reach many of them face to face. also, i have been in desperate need of time alone, contemplative and restful time. what are our internal battles? the moment i stepped back into my life here in san anotnio there was a sweep of familiar battles that swirl in my head. who to spend time with? when to start training for an upcoming run? that still empty room in our house? what "educational architecture" books should i spend my time reading? most of these somewhat silly questions are connected to time and having it and giving it away. God wants our time. he wants time everyday.

even though the last season i was in india i was there for quite a bit longer, like 5 months longer than this time, but somehow my heart hurt a little more to leave this go-round. i'm not entirely sure why that is, but then again this world will tell you that answers don't always succeed questions. and definitely not always in a timely fashion, if at all. i'm okay with this. 

i've grown a little more inside. a friend recently mentioned something about our internal life and the importance of having one. sadly, there are people who don't listen to their internal self, or develop it much so. i guess this comes out in the form of "knowing yourself". but what does that really mean? if we spend time alone do we develop a friendship with ourselves? for me, while i really really really enjoy being with and around other people, i've come to notice that time with yourself is time so well spent. getting to travel and experience new cultures and lands is something that helps me bring to the surface more of who i am made to be. i learn a little more each time, and this journey to india was no different. my communication with others more open to listen and thoughtful in speech, my reflections more intentional, my reservations in speaking with christ less restrained, my mind more open and many others to mention. by the process of intentional thought i've come to realize these things.